This is RAW

**DISCLAIMER: This blog post is, in essence, everything I intend for it to be. The statements in this blog are merely aspects of me that are an important part of my personality and individualism.  The acceptance of my character traits (both good and bad) is the base of this article. This is a personal journey that I have knowingly and somewhat unknowingly embarked on over a period of time and the tools and practices that have led me to this point.

Another period of time has passed since my last blog post. I have not had much time to write. In the chaos of moving, I tripped over Koda and tore her ACL and permanently dislocated her knee cap. She goes in for Surgery on Monday morning (the same day I start my new job). Jeramy decided that instead of keeping our stuff in storage in a non-climate controlled area in Lubbock, he wanted to bring it to Austin because Climate controlled units of similar size are close in comparison of cost. We rented a U-Haul and an additional trailer and Jeramy flew up to Lubbock to pack the stuff up and bring it down. With the exception of a few items that remain with family, we are officially moved out of Lubbock and I am so happy to be done with that part. The house hunting process continues….

As far as my health is concerned, this post is going to take a different approach. This will be the last bit of “casual” blogging about my health journey. I will shift my style to cover topics and practices that are relevant to whom I am as an individual. For the sake of those who would call me out, I will blog regarding significant events and major changes in my health as they occur. Over the past 7 months I have been working on eliminating conversations related to “Brain Surgery” and “Cancer” as a topic of casual and work conversation. While it was necessary to discuss my health state initially, over the past year I have let it develop into a type of “crutch” for me, as well as an out for others to place my faults on. It led to many difficult conversations and the realization that I needed to start making decisions that benefit my future goals, instead of just going along with what others wanted from me. I was provided special treatment to allow for necessary visits and accommodation to allow me to work to my full extent, but it seems that also may have built some resentment from others (I cannot speak to those truths as they are merely my observations and do not reflect the other side of the equation). Despite efforts made by all, I discovered that I needed to head in another direction. When Jeramy informed me that his company wanted him to transition to Austin, I honestly breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had discussed in depth with my Cognitive Behavioral Therapist the possibility that I may need to make changes to be successful and remain happy, but I wanted badly for things to work out. I successfully began eliminating aspects of my past from work conversations, and have been able to find employment without mention of my condition. Recently in June, I began attending Yoga classes in Austin and found a “Cancer” Yoga class that was free to attend. The class consists mainly of Breast Cancer survivors and a few others (I am the only brain cancer survivor there). It is a type of practice referred to as “Kundalini”. It defies everything most people think about when Yoga comes to mind. The instructor focuses on aspects of meditation, mantras and mudras that have a healing basis. The class helps survivors focus on reducing stress and dealing with aspects of recovery and post radiation/chemotherapy fatigue and side effects. This practice has focused heavily on using the mantra “Sat Nam”, Sat means Truth and Nam means name. It acknowledges that truth is not a matter of right and wrong, or anything that can be written out in black and white. For me, Sat Nam is embracing who I am as an individual and accepting the things I cannot change (like other’s opinion’s of me, learning to follow my gut, and accepting my imperfections as they are). It means to accept my beauty and my faults and recognize that one cannot exist without the other. We are beautiful because of our imperfections.

So, I say to you, “Sat Nam”.

Lubbock, Texas in the Rearview Mirror

Goodness! It's the end of June! Where has the time gone?!?!

Well, let me first apologize for the gap in writing. Rest assured that there is good reason for that gap and I will do my best to sum it all up in this blog post. My goal is to utilize the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid) method, but I find that I tend to veer off course with my wording often and so it becomes a novel.

Family Updates:

We've Moved! Cities! My last day of work at University Medical Center in Lubbock was June 1st and then we turned around 4 days later and moved to Austin, Texas. Moved is a relative term at this point, because we are currently living with my parents while we look for our new forever home. Jeramy started working at Clinical Pathology Laboratories home base lab on the 7th/8th and has been very happy with his current situation (although he does miss his co-workers and the lab back in Lubbock). He enjoys the furious pace of the special chemistry department that he works in here and has already established professional relationships with many folks within the company at the Austin location. Jeramy is loving the hours he selected because he works from 2:30a.m. to 10:30a.m. and gets off early enough to assist me in the house hunting business. I am not working (yet), as I have decided to take some time off to adjust to the city and learn my surroundings and the market before I dive deep into a job. I have been talking with two different companies and have some prospects available in the Pflugerville area. It will likely be August before I return to the work schedule, and it will be on a contract/PRN basis with the goal of eventually returning to full time. My time is spent slowly venturing out to discover new areas and activities and discovering new neighborhoods. Moving to Austin was a giant culture shock. The cost of living here is; for lack of a better word, intense. We are working with a realtor already, and she has done an excellent job of prospecting for us so we can see what's out there. Jeramy and I have a long list of items that we would like to complete, but recognize it is impossible to accomplish them all in a very short time period.

Health Updates:

I am pleased to announce that I continue to experience improvements in my seizure activity. I still experience very unpleasant episodes, but my frequency has decreased significantly and my seizure activity has become much more predictable. I know when to expect complications and I can better prepare for it. I have been able to incorporate small amounts of caffeine and even the occasional libation with much less difficulty. I am, however, experiencing some rather unpleasant side effects as a result of the medications. The most noticeable issue is extreme tiredness or fatigue that varies in intensity depending on my activity level. The second largest issue, weight gain. Good Lord. The weight gain has been very challenging to over come. When I started the current medication dosage in February, I weighed 155lbs (my normal average). As of today, I currently weigh somewhere in the range of 168-170lbs. 15 lbs in 4 months is scary and I am working to make some pretty drastic diet changes to help counter this side effect. It is a concern I will have to address with my new neurologist once I get established care here in Austin (I have my first PCP visit June 29th to begin the referral process). One way I am trying to counter the weight problems is by increasing my physical activity level. This has been challenging with the Austin humidity. Humidity is the one thing my neurologist in Amarillo cautioned me on with exercise programs. Humidity makes me experience intense aura activity and has put me to bed early on a few occasions already. It provides me with increased episodes of nausea and headaches, which pretty much take me down for the remainder of the day. Thankfully, I was able to participate in my friend's 30th birthday shenanigans this past weekend and experienced no aura's or unpleasant side effects while celebrating! It was a welcome sign of relief and showed me that there is still progress to be made.

Well, Once we get settled (officially), I will be sure to post another blog update and maybe even some photographs? Who knows! The biggest thing is that I am so incredibly happy to be living in the Austin area and feel much better than I have in quite some time. It is a fresh start for Jeramy and I, even though the transition was very stressful and somewhat a surprise. We found out about the move at the end of April and then 5-6 weeks later, moved. That may sound like a long time, until you consider all the stuff that has to be taken care of in the process of moving. So happy to finally call Austin my home!!

Hello from the other side

Wow. Where have the months gone? I've been so busy since my last blog post, that the thought of writing hasn't even been able to come across my mind. Once again I received a tumor free MRI report and my oncologist is in agreement that in September of this year I will be ok to move to 6 month MRIs instead of every 3 months. This is great news because I'm becoming weary of the process and this last MRI, I had a reaction to the contrast dye that I hadn't had before. The reaction was so unusual that it worried me into thinking there may be growth somewhere contributing to it. Fortunately, that proved incorrect and once again I am set until July when I go back in for my (hopefully) last 3 month MRI. September 2016 will mark 2 years since my diagnosis. I have been doing some heavy research into recurrence rates, etc. and I have found that it is common for 97% of treated chemotherapy patients to encounter regrowth or secondary cancers within 5 years (68% for Brain Cancer). This particular statistic was shocking and got me looking into some more information.

I finally sucked it up enough to watch the docu-series "The Truth about Cancer". WOW. I've missed out on boat loads of valuable information that I had no idea about. Some of it was the nutrition aspect and how it played into the bodies responses and weakening of the immune system. I also learned that there is a direct correlation between cell phone use and brain tumors. I also learned that there are devices out there that essentially "neutralize" the radiation emitted from every day technological devices. They are called EMRTs and I have purchased one to go on my cell phone. I was later surprised to learn that Jeramy's Aunt and Uncle are very familiar with this and have them on all their devices. I learned that the reason tumor's shrink with chemotherapy treatment is because the chemo kills the surrounding daughter cells, but has virtually no effect on the mother stem cells that are the root cause of the cancer. As it stands, the tumor size will shrink, but ultimately, it will return at some point because the initial triggering stem cells are not changed with chemo. Most importantly, I learned that cancer is NOT a death sentence. It is curable. YES, you heard me right, and NO, that cure does not happen with chemo and radiation. Did you know Oncologists receive kick backs from Pharmaceutical companies for prescribing certain cancer treating medications? How would you feel about your oncologist prescribing you a certain type of chemo because he makes money off of it. Remember that Oncologist who went to prison for falsely diagnosing and treating all those people for Cancer? It likely happens more than you know. Conspiracy theories aside, do your own research (but be willing to look outside the box). Conventional medicine failed me, it made me sicker and caused permanent brain damage that now has to be treated with, you guessed it! More pharmaceutical drugs. The Industry is corrupt and people are suffering as a result. I am a living testament to that. The good news is, there is always hope.

Another positive note, my seizure activity has improved. I still experience mental fatigue and regular Aura's, but I have gone quite some time without having an actual seizure, and my physical functioning has been at its best since all this started. I go back to see my neurologist in June for a follow up and will decide our next course with the medication at that time. An unfortunate side effect of the current medication is weight gain. I have gone from being a steady 155lbs to now (last time I weighed) 162lbs. Even with diet modifications, the weight gain comes easily and the loss is next to impossible. We have made some modifications in my diet to hopefully make change, but it will be long term changes and will likely take many months to set in. The good news is I can now button my work pants again, as I have slimmed down some since those changes went into effect.

Easter Weekend, some very good friends of our finally got engaged and Jeramy and I were able to be a part of the process. It was so exciting and wonderful all at the same time! I look forward to watching these two continue to grow in their love for each other.

Work has been full force for the past month. I have begun working on increasing my productivity levels to full scale and man, I have felt the change there. It had been awhile since I was used to treating a regular case load and I was pretty worn out (and stressed out) the first few times I did. The muscle memory from the days when I regularly saw 15 patient's a day are returning, but it is always a day at a time process (some days better than others). I am happy to be back to this level at work as it has given me the ability to feel a sense of normalcy again.

Many of you are aware that we had put our house on the market in February. I am happy to report that we close on the sale next Thursday and then we can move forward with other plans after that time. This weekend we will be participating in the MDA walk to support Cousin Colton and then we will be packing all our belongings up and moving them into a storage unit near our current place of residence. I am so happy to have this step behind me. Everyone keeps asking what the plan is, but our plan is to take it one thing at a time and make sure all our ducks are in a row before we move to the next thing. Stress is paramount and I need very little of it. I will proceed in a reasonable manner that does not feel like we are "trigger happy". Positive changes lie ahead for us and I look forward to watching those unfold.

Growth

Before you start getting into your worrywart mode, let me assure you that the title of this blog is not meant to be taken in the literal interpretation. There is no tumor growth and I am still chugging along as usual working to find balance in my daily life. There is, however, a deeper meaning to the title of this blog post. It is deeper meaning in the sense that we all must experience growth at some point in our lives or face the consequences of being left behind by those who continually challenge themselves to be successful and strive for greatness.

As I sit here thinking about how I want to put the words together, I find that it is not an easy thing to do. Some days, the words flow out of you like lava; other days the silence is deafening and the key strokes sparse.  I keep thinking that as a child of two parents with public relations backgrounds and journalism skills, my ability to write should flow naturally. Ha! I am probably on the opposite end of the spectrum from my parents on this subject. I always knew I wanted to be in the medical field and can remember that when most kids were discussing being firemen, and police officers and astronauts, I was aspiring to be a cardiovascular surgeon (clearly we know how that worked out). I'm not even sure where I learned about what a cardiovascular surgeon was, but I was absolutely certain I wanted to do that.

Ok, I digress; back to the point! This blog is about personal growth. I have been doing a lot of personal soul searching over the past year and a half and more recently I have also been doing a lot of work soul searching. I think the most eye opening realization I've had may be that my maturity level has significantly increased from when I was 25 years old to when I turned 30. So much so, that a friend and I were reflecting on the things we've had to change over the years and it was amazing to hear how much we have both grown in our own right. She has provided me so much insight on things that need to change from my end and I have been assisting her to the best of my ability as well. It is a mutually satisfactory relationship and one that I am most grateful to have.

The biggest thing is sometimes it takes the help and guidance of others to find the right path and it's so incredibly beneficial to have an outsiders perspective to help guide you through the muck. Tackling things on your own is tricky, especially if you are lacking some of the tools to do so successfully. Some people may be good at figuring things out on their own, but I know that I am not in every situation. I tend to feel it is appropriate to seek outside opinions because I know that I can be quick to respond with emotion and emotion can cloud judgement. If I can seek out a source or confide in someone I know that is prone to reason and not to knee jerk reactions, then I tend to get a more realistic perspective on what I need to work on.

The past months have shown me that just focusing on what I need to change doesn't help me grow as much as I would hope. Self reflection for me also involves taking into consideration the thought processes of others. That has been a task for me that has been incredibly challenging. I have also discovered that certain areas of growth come more easily for me than others. For instance, when it comes to work growth; with appropriate guidance I can adapt and change very quickly compared to some of the personal challenges I have been facing over the past months.

As part of my personal growth journey, I will be significantly diminishing my time spent on Facebook over the next few months. I plan to try to just avoid it all together, but we'll see :).

As it stands, this will be one of the last Facebook shares for my blog post for a while. I will continue to post to instagram and update my blog regularly, but I probably won't post it on Facebook.

I will leave you with this adorable picture of my niece Isabella "Bella" Davies

I am TUMOR FREE!

Hello Everyone!

I am writing this blog with a bit of mixed emotions today. Many of you know I have been battling intractable epilepsy since my cancer treatment and Wednesday the conversation came about that my seizures are the direct result of a build up of scar tissue that sits in the area of my frontal lobe. My neurologist explained a few things to me the first of which is probably the best news anyone could ask for (I am officially TUMOR free). The second was a little discouraging and I have spent the last day or so contemplating what my next step should be (I will likely never be seizure free due to the build up of scar tissue from radiation on my brain). I finally received confirmation on something that I have suspected since this all started. Radiation produced an additional build up of scar tissue on my brain that led to an increase in seizure activity and as a result, my seizures will likely never stop. Our attempts to adjust medications have not gone well because I am incredibly sensitive to most seizure medications (also allergic to some) and so side effects cannot be avoided to the degree that is deemed acceptable.

Currently I am on a medication called Fycompa (which I now take at night due to the severity of speech and drowsiness that occurs when I take it). This medication has provided me the most relief at this time and I have not had a seizure in a little over a month. The only issues I have experienced are aura's which do not last. This combined with my Keppra are the only things working to control the majority of my seizure activity, but the neurologist wanted me to be aware that our focus on care will be changing. Our goal now is to improve my impairment level to an area that is acceptable and allows me to function at the highest level I possibly can.

With this news comes the possibility that the things I loved so dearly prior to my illness, may never be in my future again. I say may, because I don't wish to speak in absolutes and with the continual advances in medicine there is always the potential that things can change. After all, I was told this type of tumor is incurable early on and that it was likely I would never be tumor free (yet here I am beating those odds once again). I was also told that I would have significant speech and cognitive deficits as a result of the location of the tumor and required amount of tissue to be removed (yet I have recovered 98 percent of my previous function). To tell me no, is to motivate me to push the boundaries of my recovery.

As it stands, I now have to come to the reality that running marathon's may be a thing of the past. I might never be able to coach or play the sport of volleyball again (a reality I thought I would face at a much older age); and that my new normal may involve a very limited ability to participate in exercise. To say I am devastated is an understatement, but I continue to direct my attention forward at the things I have gained since my diagnosis.

The only thing I regret is not listening to my instincts fully. I was told radiation would be a piece of cake, but deep down I had a "not so good" feeling about it. Turns out, radiation nearly killed me and chemotherapy wasn't much better. As I continue my research on important aspects of post-cancer care and diet recommendations; I have come to realize that cancer is a for-profit industry that does not have the best interest of the patient in mind. Chemotherapy and Radiation risks (IMHO) outweigh the benefit and often result in killing the patient faster than the cancer does. It has been my post-cancer changes that have kept me moving in the right direction and I will continue to focus on making the necessary change.

DIET is EVERYTHING. Especially in a day and age that our food is so devoid of nutrients and substance needed to keep our bodies healthy. I've seen people post articles from those who ate well but still end up sick and the reality is, this is an exception and not necessarily the rule. Disease is tricky and can infiltrate even healthy populations, but those who take care of themselves are less likely to experience these issues than those who don't.

Reflections of 2015

Today is technically January 1st, but after my fill of black eyed peas today I felt a blog post might be appropriate to ring in the new year.

2015 definitely was an improvement to the end of 2014, I will say that for certain. Cancer recovery in terms of everything else I dealt with was the biggest struggle of the year and my 2015 was not all smiles and roses. There are things about brain surgery that physically change you and that struggle is always very real.

I started the year with a great MRI report and I am hoping to do the same again this year as I go in for my first 3 month MRI of 2016. Scanxiety is now a normal part of my vocabulary and no matter how many positive words of encouragement I hear, it will always be the black sheep of my diagnosis.

In March I made the decision to embark on a journey to regain strength and balance as best I could. Due to cancer treatments and seizure activity, I continuously struggle with tight muscles on my left side, which I attribute to slight tone from the area of removal of the tumor. I also struggle with balance on this side, and even after 9 months of yoga, it remains to be my biggest challenge yet.

In April I completed my final round of chemotherapy treatments and was officially done with all aspects of those medications. The excitement of this was enough to motivate me to begin pushing a little more and on April 20th, I returned to work full time. What I was not prepared for was the struggle I would face over the next 8 months to get my seizure activity under control and the difficulties I would face in finding the appropriate medications.

One aspect of cancer treatments that they don't completely prepare you for is the post radiation/treatment exhaustion. It has been over a year since I received my last radiation treatment and the level of exhaustion I experience during a typical working day is enough to take me to my knees. It is so intense, in fact, that I some times nod off during the day while I'm just sitting. I try to find stimulating activities to do when I'm sitting to help keep me awake, but often times it only provides temporary relief of the exhaustion. Most days I come home and I'm ready to go to bed by 8pm. Since my latest medication adjustment, things have improved slightly, but often the medication will make me incredibly sleepy in the mornings so I have simply traded one level of exhaustion for another. The good news on this front is that as of tomorrow I will be one month seizure free and I am down to two seizure medications instead of 3 to 4.

The medication fix came after I had to make the difficult and incredibly uneasy choice of seeking out a new neurologist because of issues with my previous care giver. Getting a second opinion was quite possibly the best decision I ever made because if I hadn't, I don't know that I would be celebrating this milestone right now.

Yoga has been an opportunity for me to self-reflect on personal struggles and gains and all I've been through during this past year.  Many cancer survivors will tell you, going through this experience really makes you look at life in a whole new manner. Sometimes that outlook is not always pleasant, and in particular I think people struggle with how to address people who have been dealing with illness. I've learned that illness makes people uncomfortable in a way that they tend to withdraw. I believe people think they are doing a good thing because many are just not sure how to approach any subject and so its easier to back away and not be involved. In fact, this is probably the worst thing I have experienced during my recovery. People that I may have had a strong relationship with before now find that I am different and it makes them uncomfortable.

Brain Cancer and Brain Surgery changes you. I've been utilizing social media support groups to talk with other survivors and in every single conversation, the biggest complaint is that people don't know how to deal with survivors of this type of cancer. Many of these fellow survivors deal with cognitive and physical struggles that are far beyond my degree of impairment and somehow the one question is always, why do people feel the need to treat me differently.

Personality changes and emotional changes are also a common issue that I encounter in this group. For instance, I now cry at the drop of a dime. Before, I could have a conversation and deal with tough or positive issues without losing emotional control. Now, regardless of whether the issue is positive or negative, I cannot control my emotions. It makes even the most benign situations incredibly awkward because I end up looking like a blubbering idiot crying my eyes out for no good reason. These support groups have shown me that there is not enough information out there to help others learn how to approach the highs and lows of being a brain cancer survivor. I can literally be one person one day, and then someone completely different the next. These are things completely out of my control and despite my attempts to find a happy medium, I have not been able to find common ground.

I really have to give a huge shout out to my husband. Illness can really strain a relationship and push the boundaries of marriage, but this guy has been by my side for every single moment (good and bad). This guy has seen the true result of brain cancer recovery and still loves me with every bit of his soul. He's handled the emotional outbursts with complete grace. Its been a learning experience for us both.

While I wanted 2015 to be a year of moving forward, I discovered that recovery isn't that easy and moving forward is a very slow process. I spent more time in 2015 working towards emotional recovery than physical recovery. It was an eye opener. I look at this as my "new normal" and figure that each step I take is necessary no matter how good or bad it feels.

To all my friends and family, I hope that 2016 brings you the ability to appreciate what you have and focus on those important to you. Never be apologetic about who you are and embrace your quirks and flaws. I hope you all remembered to eat your black eyed peas for luck in the New Year!

Hello Holiday Season

Well, I feel that another blog post is in order for the month of December. Things are about to be even more crazy as the holiday's approach. The next two weeks are pretty much booked in terms of assisting with Club Volleyball activities, Jeramy's employee Christmas party, Dentist appointments, family gatherings and visits, christmas shopping, and my employee christmas party through UMC. Changes have happened over the past month, no worsening thankfully! The quest to find an effective seizure medication continues. I am down to taking 100 mg of Dilantin a day instead of 100 mg twice daily. I almost made it off, but since I am still having seizures (typically between the hours of 2-4pm). We made the decision to hold off on eliminating until I start my new seizure medication.

Speaking of which, I started my new seizure medication today. It is called Fycompa (sp?) Supposedly the half life of this medication is significantly longer, so it only has to be taken once daily. We are weaning off the Vimpat because it gives me significant side effects that are very unwanted and we would like to be able to tolerate going through the day without feeling like I'm going to fall asleep constantly. With the most recent medication changes, my seizure frequency has decreased to about 1 every few days as opposed to several in one day and happening every other day. We are making some progress.

Yesterday I completed a portion of a 10 week women's yoga series that I had been working on with my yoga instructor. For those of you who are not aware, I have been doing yoga for approximately 9 months and it is amazing the gains I have made. I have been doing one private session a week and then meeting up with a class once a week. Yoga two days a week has been challenging and it always amazes me at how sore I am after participating in a familiar series. I think that goes to show that yoga is constantly changing and challenging your practice and skills and never feels the same. There is no plateau with yoga because every time you practice you change and challenge yourself differently. It is the one exercise regime that I have never felt like gets easier, instead I find that with each practice I am able to challenge myself differently and grow with each salutation, etc.

I leave you with this photograph that was taken on the last day of the women's series yoga class and encourage you all to check out Seed to Sprout Yoga and Wellness and look into joining the next women's series in January. If you haven't worked with Lindsay Kerr, you haven't truly had the opportunity to delve into what the practice means.