The Marathon Continues

This week I have had some friends who are going through some emotional and physical struggles. I have many unspoken prayer requests, so prayer warriors please come together for those who are battling elements out of their comfort zone and don't know quite where to go from here. It has brought about some thoughts in me that I have been considering for a while and I felt the need to put them in words because everyone needs guidance sometimes.

I have gone through an emotional evolution over the last 6 months that I didn't think was humanly possible. Out of my struggles, I have gathered a few thoughts that have really helped me to keep pushing forward even when I want to fall down. I've learned more about myself emotionally in the last 6 months than I knew or gathered over the past 30 years.

I have learned that people don't know what to say in these situations and so they stretch to find words of hope and wisdom to share. It is a bit of a conundrum because the message to be conveyed is meant to be one of positivity and hope, but sometimes it strikes an emotional cord so deep that it brings about great sorrow.

I've learned to accept that in general, people mean well but they often struggle to share the appropriate response. They mean to be caring, loving and supporting, but sometimes it feels as though they are now treating you differently. Suddenly you appear fragile, yet they characterize you as strong for going through this fight.

I've learned that yes, I am strong, but most days I am very weak and emotionally I cannot hold it together all the time. Those who are with me most often know that there are days when no words can be of comfort and even hugs don't help.

I've learned that even mental toughness cannot over come this struggle. In running, you know that at some point, physically, you will lose the will to continue; but mentally you can learn to keep pushing because your body can do more than your mind will lead you to believe. In chemotherapy, you don't have a choice. You swallow the pill or receive the infusion because the alternative is so awful you don't want to even consider it. You continue to do so even though it makes you physically ill to the point where you can't even get out of bed. There is no such thing as mental toughness in cancer treatment, only forced repetition.

I've learned that God will absolutely give you more than you can handle because he recognizes that the only way to move forward is by "resetting" emotionally and that in these instances you are not in control. Sometimes you have to lose it to find it again and he recognizes that need in everyone.

I've learned to be grateful for all emotional experiences (good and bad). It brings about an appreciation of humanity in me that I did not know existed.

I've learned that people in bad situations will not willingly ask for help because they do not want to appear weak. I have thus learned that instead of asking "If you need anything" my words have changed to "what can I do to help". Most often the response I receive is pray, so I have also learned that sometimes dropping in or checking in will present an opportunity for both parties that would have gone unrecognized with one message of "let me know".

I've learned that you will lose friendships because people are most often afraid of what they do not understand and rather than invest emotionally, it is much easier to back away.

I have learned to forgive those who choose to distance themselves because I recognize that they do not want to cause harm and they are making decisions based on the information they have available to them.

Most importantly, I've learned that no one truly understands what you are going through unless they have been there themselves and so finding friendships in others who are going through a similar experience is essential to recovery and emotional stability.

To my friends who are going through some hard times at the moment, just remember that no matter how bad it gets, you continue to put one foot in front of the other and press on. Maybe today was not a good day, but there is always tomorrow. Eventually all things will resolve, and even if it means you have to spend a large amount of time picking the pieces up off the floor and putting the puzzle back together; you will eventually complete the task.

Progress Continues

I visited the neurosurgeon this morning and received some GREAT news :). The neurosurgeon explained that my last MRI (which was done at the beginning of January) shows an area of increased uptake along the medial and inferior areas of the right side of my brain. Dr. Baronia explained that he is not concerned with this just yet as this has been present in my last 3-4 MRIs and has been considered stable. He stated that it is impossible to tell whether it is tumor or the treatment that is causing this, but the good news is, it's not changing. He continued to emphasize that I will need monthly MRIs to follow this and see how things continue. He explained that if it was tumor, we likely would not be doing surgery because it is in the fiber tracks of the brain and I would be left with permanent disability if they attempted to remove it. So for now, we are watching and waiting for the chemotherapy to do its thing and see how future MRIs present. Since there has been no change in the imaging since we started this process, we are assuming the slight increased uptake is likely residual from surgery and treatment (this is not the great news, it is just good news on stable results and no progression).

The GREAT news is that I have been cleared to begin a light exercise regimen and I can have 1-2 glasses of wine a week (as long as it is in moderation). Dr. Baronia explained that we would assess returning to running after my 1 year anniversary of surgery, but in the mean time I can start working into an exercise routine over the next month. He advised me to be cautious and go slow and so I will likely start light weights at home with the husband and maybe get on my bike trainer a couple of times a week to get my heart rate elevated. He told me to stop taking elevators as well and use the stairs.

I started my first round of 6 chemotherapy sessions last month and after about day 3 the nausea was significant. It got to the point where the zofran wouldn't do any good during the day, even with continued doses. I go back to see my oncologist tomorrow and will discuss additional nausea medication options during the day to help get me through. I manage at night pretty well with my attivan, as it controls my nausea better than the zofran does after day 3. I'm learning my attivan serves  multiple purposes for me other than anti-anxiety, and sleep. I've received several suggestions for the nausea medication marino, which is supposed to be very effective at treating nausea related to chemotherapy.

Next Tuesday I will also visit the neurologist to determine the course of medication change with the dilantin over the next few months. They really want me off this medication and I will be ok with the change because the dilantin makes me sleepy and I'd like to be able to go through the day without being tired after taking my medication.

Overall Dr. Baronia was very pleased with my progress and happy with the results thus far. I will go back to see him in 3 months for continued follow up and will likely require another MRI before that time. I'll be due for another MRI in April and I think we will have a more honest picture of progress at that time with the area of increased signal intensity. In the mean time, I am happy to have continued improvement in my quality of life and I look forward to a short vacation here at the end of February.