Being indifferent about racism and hate does not exempt you from its reality.

Like many, I am still reeling from this election outcome. There has been so much that has gone down over the past week that has been saddening and disturbing. On the one hand, Hillary Clinton is on track to become the candidate who has received the second most votes in a presidential election (compared to Barack Obama) and still lost. She has now received over 1 million more votes than President-Elect Donald Trump.  On the other, hundreds of reports of racist acts and attacks against immigrants and People of Color have been flooding news headlines and we now know that Stephen Bannon (known for his Anti-Semitism, racist and misogynistic remarks) has gained a top position in the white house next to Donald Trump.

Last night I listened to Hillary’s speech that she made at the Children’s Defense Fund (her first public appearance since her concession speech last week). I listened as she spoke about having days where she just wanted to curl up into a ball and never leave her house again. I listened as she spoke of a dream involving her mother and how proud she would be that she had come as far as she had. I listened as she emphasized an important message for her supporters and those who fight for democracy and the wellbeing of others. Her message was empathetic and powerful. Never give up.

As I started my day this morning, I began contemplating the importance of the next 4 years, and what I needed to do to help push the movement forward.  I laughed at the fact that someone close to me registered me to have subscriptions to the Trump Campaign; the NRA; Fox News; and the Weld Republican Party in Colorado. This individual very likely saw a post I placed on my Facebook page about donating to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. Well played my friend, or more than likely, family member. I, at least, was willing to publicly announce my support while you chose to hide behind your keyboard. You see, my family raised me to be proud and speak up for what is right, not hide behind a computer screen because you don’t want me to know who you are. Alas, I digress. I thought long and hard about the challenges we will face over the next four years and the issue of Racism and anti-Semitism immediately came to mind.

You see, whether you are willing to admit it or not, we are all racists in some sense of the word, especially when we fall into the Caucasian category. Now before you get angry and curse your at your computer, hear me out. I am not sitting here saying you are specifically a racist individual in the traditional sense. I am not saying that you support segregation, or lynching, or slavery, or Jim Crow, the KKK, or any of the “traditional” racist sentiment. In fact, up until this recent election, I was more optimistic that those sects of society had essentially died off. I feel differently about that now and you should too. I will be the first to admit that I am racist because I have been indifferent.

Let’s break this down a little further.  When you think of racism, you typically think of the most blatantly obvious forms, so let me clarify that further. I am not a member of the KKK, or any white supremacy groups. I do not actively participate in activities condoned by these groups and I do not speak derogatory terms about people of color in an attempt to establish my superiority over them. I do not believe in segregation and I certainly would never allow for anyone to implement Jim Crow laws in this country once again.  Racism is very much alive in this country, and I think that if you continue to deny that existence, you are in for a huge awakening over the next four years (but that requires you to pay attention).

The indifference of Racism is something Caucasian individuals struggle with. You and I, we don’t have to worry about being targeted by police because of the color of our skin. We don’t have to worry about access to education and we know we will be able to find work when we graduate from school, because we have the privilege to attend school in the first place (many of us with the financial benefit to ensure an excellent education, myself included). We are privileged to make decisions in this country that we know will not have any impact on us. Most of us do not live in poor neighborhoods and typically do not interact with those who do.

Try an experiment. Look around where you spend most of your time with your family; is there diversity in your neighborhood? How many black families reside there? How many Latinos? Asians? What about the grocery store? Are you in a well off area of town? How many times have you walked in to Wal-Mart and made judgments on people because you are likely better off than them (we are all guilty here, people of Wal-mart, myself included).  When you walk down the street, if you see a police car, do you get scared? Do you worry for your safety? What about if you see an older beat up car with expensive rims, what do you think to yourself or say to others around you? If you say you wouldn’t say anything you need to pay attention. Even I must admit that when I see someone driving in a vehicle of that description I think, “that guy is possibly a thug or a drug dealer”.  When you see a homeless person on the corner, do you think to yourself “get a job you lazy bum”?

Indifference is that I know when I get pulled over; I do not have to worry about getting shot. Indifference is that I know that when I walk down the street, I am not viewed as suspicious. Indifference is that I know when I am shopping in the mall, store employees will not eye me every second to see if I’m going to steal something. 

Indifference is that I know that I can drive a luxury car around town and people will think I drive it because I earned it. 

Indifference is like putting blinders on racism and I’m here to tell you, LETS ALL TAKE THEM OFF. 

Stop being indifferent and start being more involved. Speak up and do not remain silent. If you finish reading this and feel that I am specifically targeting you and that I am a hypocrite. Go back and re-read for your sake. I am calling myself out too. I, like all of you, am just as guilty of these things. I am just choosing to acknowledge the elephant in the room. I want to be better; I want things to be better. If that means I have to be the first to come out and admit my faults, so be it.

I don’t typically post bible passages, because most often they get thrown at me in a way to tell me to be more Christian, but I can’t help but think about the book of Matthew Chapter 25:31-40.

We should all do some self-reflection today.

MD Anderson

You want to talk about the epitome of a horrible day?

Imagine you are sitting in the waiting room at MD Anderson in Houston, Texas (where you are looking to get a second opinion on your diagnosis of a recurrence of a past Brain Tumor) and subsequently watching the election results blare across the television with the headline "In his first 100 days: Repealing the Affordable Care Act". For many, understanding the emotion in that type of situation is impossible because, lets face it....You think, "I'm healthy, this won't affect me". You need to hear me out please.

Some of my friends and many people around the country voted for Trump based on this campaign promise because they were frankly, fed up with the rising premiums on their insurance and they didn't feel that Obamacare was working well for them. I get that. Insurance is out of control, and something needs to be done about it. You have a right to be fed up, but you should also take into consideration something else. 20 million people have gained insurance since the initiation of the ACA and it has done away with Insurance companies putting caps on the insured because their care costs too much. It prevents insurance companies from discriminating against people because of pre-existing conditions which, was my saving grace. You see, I will require lifetime follow up care for my medical condition that has left me battling intractable epilepsy and in need of frequent MRIs to catch disease progression. Brain cancer for most, is not a one and done like some cancers. The outlook is often grim and many fellow survivors have battled recurrences 2, 3, 4 sometimes even 5 times during their lifetime.

So, back to sitting in that waiting room watching that television... As the words "Repeal Obamacare" scroll across the screen, you feel the nausea rising and the uncontrollable urge to panic. You see, repealing Obamacare means that millions of individuals out there like you, are at risk of being dropped by their current insurance companies because you are too expensive to insure.

Some have said, just get a new insurance company. It doesn't necessarily work that way (and that's a conversation for another day).

Repealing Obamacare opens me up to a level of insurance discrimination that we haven't seen since the ACA was enacted back in 2010. So naturally, my level of anger and frustration was at an all time high. What's worse? Many of the people I talked to who voted for Trump based on that fact alone, didn't even consider the outcome on people they know and love. I know many of you have or have had a family member who was ill with Cancer, or some other form of debilitating illness that required extensive medical care and follow up. How would you feel knowing that you just opened the path for those people to no longer be able to afford their medical care. Would you be happy? Would you be sad? Would you be angry that you might have to watch your cancer stricken family member suffer endlessly because they can no longer afford treatment? What would you do about it?

Some have told me, Pray. Prayer is important and something easy to do, but if you can tell me you would be willing to place all your chips on the slim chance of a miracle, you would be kidding yourself. I once encountered a man who had broken his leg so severely that the fracture had been displaced causing an obvious deformity. Instead of going to the emergency room where his leg could have been reset and casted and he would have made a full recovery, he chose to pray because he believed Jesus would heal him without intervention. Years later, his leg is permanently disfigured and he is unable to walk and relies on a motorized scooter to navigate his community. I believe in prayer, I pray regularly. I pray for god to give me strength so that I am able to persevere on the hardest days I face. I pray for peace and understanding for myself and for those around me. I do not pray for god to cure me. Instead, I pray for God to guide me to find new ways to address my condition and guide me in educating myself in all possible means of recovery and healing.  So when I am facing not only the possibility of having Cancer for a second time and then on top of that, the possibility of losing my insurance? I'm not going to be to keen on suggestions made by others. As a cancer survivor, people say things that are insulting and rude (even when they don't intend for it to be). You get treated differently because of it, and it has resulted in me losing quite a few friendships over the past two years. These are things that I have come to terms with.

Facing a second round of this diagnosis means that I am not denying my emotions or hiding them because frankly, I NEED to grieve, and I NEED to be angry. I NEED to scream this is not fair at the top of my lungs, and I certainly need to feel down.

As I sit here writing this I am convinced that I am winding down the bargaining stage of grief. I am hoping that this man with no political experience who is neither Republican nor Democrat will somehow see the light and have an incredible change of heart. I am hoping that this man is just as big of a Con as I saw him to be on the campaign trail (after all, he ran a brilliant campaign catering to a group of individuals who feel forgotten). I am hoping for empty campaign promises.

The second opinion is inconclusive on tumor recurrence. I am going to be returning to MD Anderson to undergo an MR with spect and profusion to determine if it tumor or tissue necrosis. I am hoping for the latter. If it is tumor, it is likely low-grade and I might be a candidate for something called Laser Interstitial Thermal Therapy (LITT). It is a minimally invasive surgical procedure that involves inserting a catheter into the area involved and slowly heating up the tumor tissue to create cellular apoptosis or programmed cell death. Jeramy and I will still be moving to Denver, Colorado on the 5th of December and I still plan to continue with additional treatment options at that time. I have spoken with quite a few people who have been able to get their seizure activity under control and get off some of their meds using cannabis oil, which has allowed them better quality of life and the ability to work without fear.

We're moving! (again)

I have begun a new journey once again this week.

As some of you are aware, I did not have a good follow up with my oncologist last month regarding my most recent MRI. There were some noticeable changes in my MRI that could not be distinguished between post-treatment effects and/or tumor growth. These changes prompted my oncologist to recommend I look into joining a trial for recurrent anaplastic astrocytoma in people who have previously undergone surgery, temodar, and radiation treatment. The study, is funded by Orbus Therapeutics (A biopharmaceutical company). The STELLAR study, involves the use of an experimental drug called Eflornithine, which is given in conjunction with lomustine to inhibit the growth of certain enzymes within the cancer cells. Now, the fact that he jumped right into this conversation set off a few red flags for me, but I was willing to hear him out. Jeramy and I began with an onslaught of questions almost immediately. The first being, does this involve chemotherapy? The doctor immediately responded, no, and began to explain what specifically Eflornithine was. I asked him to explain everything I could think of, particularly....what is the quality of life of the patient's on this trial? What kind of success rate are we looking at with this treatment IF I receive the experimental drug? Can this cure me (and not in your 5 year survival rate BS term, but in the actual cure that will allow me to live until I'm 80 or 90). 

With each question, I became more and more suspicious of this doctor's motivations. I started asking myself, if the growth is too small for me to be a surgical candidate, why are we already jumping into these majorly aggressive treatment techniques? This isn't adding up for me. I began to ask more questions regarding the study, to which, ultimately, the Oncologist did not have any more information about. The information I gained from him regarding the study, is that they weren't looking to reverse tumor growth, just stop it with the experimental drug. Furthermore, the treatment lasts for 1 year and there is only a 50% chance you will receive the experimental drug. Every one in the study, will, however, receive Chemotherapy. The other thing about the study included that the treatment wasn't a cure and that it basically involved me likely having to be on this treatment to control tumor growth for the rest of my life. Also, it did not change survival outcomes in the short term and not enough information was available regarding long term outcomes (which is ultimately what the study aims to analyze). Here is the link to the drug company website if you are interested in reading more about the STELLAR study. http://www.orbustherapeutics.com

When we left the Oncologists office, naturally I was in complete panic mode. My Oncologist knew that I was not interested in participating in chemotherapy if it can be avoided, and I absolutely refuse to do radiation again. Despite these wishes, he chose to push the chemo route anyway. It made me livid. So much so, that I decided to look into the Oncologist a little more. Turns out, he's big into getting his name on research related to Brain Tumors and treatment. Now, don't get me wrong. He's a damn good Doctor. He's had extensive training and has been named one of the top doctors in America according to his site bio. His focus has been on researching treatments for brain tumors specifically, so the guy knows his stuff, no doubt. 

Keep in mind that this is the second time I am facing this type of news and that I have already been through treatments that cost upwards of 50-60,000 US. My experience over the past two years has been that conventional medicine has brought me virtually no quality of life, but has actually taken it away. It is not the "gold standard" they hype it to be and I'll be damned if I jump into it again without much thought and consideration for alternatives. Now, I know some of you who have extensive medical backgrounds, and you probably think I'm crazy. My only comment to you, is that I hope you never get Brain Cancer; or any other cancer for that matter...but if you do find yourself with a Brain Tumor, ONLY then can you comment on my choices and decisions. Until that time I ask politely that you keep your mouth shut, because YOU are not the one making these decisions and facing these realities. If that offends you, I encourage you to stop reading my blog because everything I do from here on out, will likely go against everything you believe to be correct. 

So, faced with this decision, I have chosen to inquire a second opinion from MD Anderson in Houston and then Jeramy and I will be relocating to the Denver, Colorado area in December to seek out alternative treatment options for this possible recurrence. I say possible, because the MRI report mentions that they can't tell if it is tumor or post-treatment changes and so I want MD Anderson to weigh in. I have spoken with a fellow brain tumor survivor who states that the same thing happened to him and it turned out to be nothing, but did bump his MRI schedule back up to every 3 months. He is currently 2-3 weeks into a 90 day treatment for Brain tumors using a type of Rick Simpson Oil, which is made from the marijuana plant. The treatment involves working up to ingesting 1 gram of a 1:1 ratio of CBD/THC a day over a 90 day time frame, for a total of 60 grams of the mixture. I have read countless testimonials on this. They are mostly using it to treat Glioblastomas, but have seen success in all types of gliomas at this time. They have even discovered that using this in conjunction with chemotherapy helps the chemotherapy better target cancer cells and helps to protect healthy cells. The best thing about it? Less side effects from chemo. 

If you would like to know more, I encourage you to research into this yourself and I would be happy to point you in the right direction. 

As it stands, I will likely put out another blog post after my visit to MD Anderson on 11/10/2016 with any additional or updated information.

Pomp and Circumstance

Greetings!

Can you believe it is mid-September? I can't either. Last time I was here for a blog post it was July and we had recently moved down to Austin, Texas. I was preparing to start my new job and we were in the process of house hunting. Currently I am working for a Home Health Company here in Austin. The plan has always been for me to work North, because the city of Austin is so inundated it's challenging to find affordable living and well paying jobs within the city. I am very happy working for the company I am with. Working in Home Health provides the necessary distraction to keep me off Social Media and actually focused on the important tasks at hand. I made the decision in July to deactivate my Facebook account. Some of you noticed, but most of you probably didn't realize that I had done that. It was the best decision I have made in some time. It allowed me an opportunity to go off grid; something I have not done since I first joined Facebook in 2005. I lost a bunch of photos, bummer; but I am pretty happy not having to read the crap you guys post on there regularly (I respect you as a friend, even if I don't agree with anything you say). I am sure many of you were equally happy to not have to see my posts pop up in your newsfeed as well. Consider it a favor from me ;).

I know I last stated I would no longer casually blog about my health, but today is special. Today is my two year anniversary of being in remission from cancer. On this date exactly two years ago, I found out I had a brain tumor and would require surgery to remove it. Not only did I learn I had a brain tumor, but I learned that tumor was slightly over 6 cm in size and the outlook was not in my favor (only 33-35% of brain tumor patient's survive long term). I learned that the tumor was likely incurable, and that I was going to suffer from significant speech deficits and short term memory loss as a result of the surgery. So, knowing this, I did what anyone who was facing unfavorable outcomes like me would do, I fought like hell. Now, normally when cancer patient's say fight, many think they are referring to the treatment that happens after diagnosis. Yes, I fought through misery with chemotherapy and radiation, there is no denying that, but I also fought my mind. The thing cancer patient's won't often share with you is the struggle of not letting the diagnosis spin you into an unrelenting cycle of depression and anxiety. Chemotherapy sucks, but the constant thought of "Am I dying?" and "I don't know if I'll be here in two years" is enough to do you in. I wore a shell on the outside, because I was a warrior. I was fighting my diagnosis and I wanted people to see that I was winning. Very few saw the actual struggle I faced on a daily basis. During work, I showed up, smiled, laughed and tried to pretend that I didn't want to just curl into a ball and die. As hard as I tried, there were days at work that I couldn't hold it together; but the extent of my emotional discourse was nothing compared to what my husband and mom saw from behind the scenes. Even with mood-stabilizers and anti-anxiety medications, I was a blubbering mess. My cry was that of someone who has suffered a devastating loss; my cry was inconsolable. Think of the darkest, most awful thing that could ever possibly happen to you and how you might emotionally react. That was me 24/7 for the months I was enduring treatment. At work, people would reference that I had essentially received a "4 month vacation" after surgery and while completing radiation treatment. I still cringe at that comment. If you call having dozens of mini-seizures and TIAs a "vacation" then sure, it was great. The truth? That 4 months of not working was the absolute worst moments of my life and I literally thought, "I want to die" weekly. To this day, I am convinced that had I gone through one more radiation treatment, I would have died. I only completed 27 of 30 treatments and 4 of 6 chemotherapy sessions. I was bed-ridden, emaciated and depressed. I went from weighing 155 lbs, to 140 lbs and at one point, I spent two days non-stop crying in bed because I just couldn't convince myself to get up. When I wasn't crying, I was sleeping. When the treatment started to take away my quality of life, I said enough. I dove into natural therapy and homeopathic remedy research and began discovering the most positive and hopeful findings I could imagine. Unfortunately, in Lubbock, there are no naturopaths; so I was resigned to my suffering and radiation after-effects that included the diagnosis of intractable localization related symptomatic epilepsy.

Eventually, I allowed myself to be pressured into returning to work an 8-hour day way before my body was physically ready and then would require 9-10 hours of sleep to recover (I was reluctant, but agreed because I thought it might be good for me, even though my instincts said no). I was constantly stressed because there were situations happening all around me that I could not change, or fix relating to work, health, social relationships, and just life in general. I went from enjoying being back at work for several months, to crying every day before work, during lunch, and on the drive home; I was a broken record. I finally caved and joined an online support group for Brain Cancer survivors and learned that one of the biggest struggles with the illness, was how some people would start blaming a survivor's faults on their past condition and it would lead to additional stresses and complications. I learned that I wasn't alone in my struggles, and it (along with some real life counseling and guidance) helped me to take control of my situation and cut loose ends. I also learned that, despite my history, my cognition was where it needed to be and I could no longer blame brain cancer for my short-comings. When my husband informed me we would likely be moving to Austin for his job, I knew it was God's way of telling me its time to move on.

Austin has brought me new life. It was the change I desperately needed. I started seeing a naturopath who has helped me with my seizure activity more than any neurologist/medication I have seen so far. Using a combination of high powered and potent naturally occurring herbs, plants and supplements, I have seen a significant reduction in the intensity and frequency of my aura's (without requiring additional prescription medications). In the first week of seeing her, I actually saw enough improvement to feel comfortable getting into a pool and swimming laps. I ran (for 30 seconds) and I can now participate in a more intense level of yoga than I previously was able to tolerate. I have been able to sustain myself being outdoors in humidity without battling seizure aura activity and I am finally losing weight again (I put on quite a bit with my new seizure meds). Today, I am tumor free and I am happy, thriving and living well. I am still hopeful that one day I may be able to reduce or eliminate the seizure medications all together and maybe, just maybe; return to running long distances again. The past two years have been the biggest struggle I have ever faced, and it has really shown me my priorities in life. Happiness is a choice, and I am choosing to be happy every day for the fact that I am ALIVE! I hope that through my darkest days, I can inspire someone to accomplish what everyone tells them can't be done.

Gratitude!

This is RAW

**DISCLAIMER: This blog post is, in essence, everything I intend for it to be. The statements in this blog are merely aspects of me that are an important part of my personality and individualism.  The acceptance of my character traits (both good and bad) is the base of this article. This is a personal journey that I have knowingly and somewhat unknowingly embarked on over a period of time and the tools and practices that have led me to this point.

Another period of time has passed since my last blog post. I have not had much time to write. In the chaos of moving, I tripped over Koda and tore her ACL and permanently dislocated her knee cap. She goes in for Surgery on Monday morning (the same day I start my new job). Jeramy decided that instead of keeping our stuff in storage in a non-climate controlled area in Lubbock, he wanted to bring it to Austin because Climate controlled units of similar size are close in comparison of cost. We rented a U-Haul and an additional trailer and Jeramy flew up to Lubbock to pack the stuff up and bring it down. With the exception of a few items that remain with family, we are officially moved out of Lubbock and I am so happy to be done with that part. The house hunting process continues….

As far as my health is concerned, this post is going to take a different approach. This will be the last bit of “casual” blogging about my health journey. I will shift my style to cover topics and practices that are relevant to whom I am as an individual. For the sake of those who would call me out, I will blog regarding significant events and major changes in my health as they occur. Over the past 7 months I have been working on eliminating conversations related to “Brain Surgery” and “Cancer” as a topic of casual and work conversation. While it was necessary to discuss my health state initially, over the past year I have let it develop into a type of “crutch” for me, as well as an out for others to place my faults on. It led to many difficult conversations and the realization that I needed to start making decisions that benefit my future goals, instead of just going along with what others wanted from me. I was provided special treatment to allow for necessary visits and accommodation to allow me to work to my full extent, but it seems that also may have built some resentment from others (I cannot speak to those truths as they are merely my observations and do not reflect the other side of the equation). Despite efforts made by all, I discovered that I needed to head in another direction. When Jeramy informed me that his company wanted him to transition to Austin, I honestly breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had discussed in depth with my Cognitive Behavioral Therapist the possibility that I may need to make changes to be successful and remain happy, but I wanted badly for things to work out. I successfully began eliminating aspects of my past from work conversations, and have been able to find employment without mention of my condition. Recently in June, I began attending Yoga classes in Austin and found a “Cancer” Yoga class that was free to attend. The class consists mainly of Breast Cancer survivors and a few others (I am the only brain cancer survivor there). It is a type of practice referred to as “Kundalini”. It defies everything most people think about when Yoga comes to mind. The instructor focuses on aspects of meditation, mantras and mudras that have a healing basis. The class helps survivors focus on reducing stress and dealing with aspects of recovery and post radiation/chemotherapy fatigue and side effects. This practice has focused heavily on using the mantra “Sat Nam”, Sat means Truth and Nam means name. It acknowledges that truth is not a matter of right and wrong, or anything that can be written out in black and white. For me, Sat Nam is embracing who I am as an individual and accepting the things I cannot change (like other’s opinion’s of me, learning to follow my gut, and accepting my imperfections as they are). It means to accept my beauty and my faults and recognize that one cannot exist without the other. We are beautiful because of our imperfections.

So, I say to you, “Sat Nam”.

Lubbock, Texas in the Rearview Mirror

Goodness! It's the end of June! Where has the time gone?!?!

Well, let me first apologize for the gap in writing. Rest assured that there is good reason for that gap and I will do my best to sum it all up in this blog post. My goal is to utilize the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid) method, but I find that I tend to veer off course with my wording often and so it becomes a novel.

Family Updates:

We've Moved! Cities! My last day of work at University Medical Center in Lubbock was June 1st and then we turned around 4 days later and moved to Austin, Texas. Moved is a relative term at this point, because we are currently living with my parents while we look for our new forever home. Jeramy started working at Clinical Pathology Laboratories home base lab on the 7th/8th and has been very happy with his current situation (although he does miss his co-workers and the lab back in Lubbock). He enjoys the furious pace of the special chemistry department that he works in here and has already established professional relationships with many folks within the company at the Austin location. Jeramy is loving the hours he selected because he works from 2:30a.m. to 10:30a.m. and gets off early enough to assist me in the house hunting business. I am not working (yet), as I have decided to take some time off to adjust to the city and learn my surroundings and the market before I dive deep into a job. I have been talking with two different companies and have some prospects available in the Pflugerville area. It will likely be August before I return to the work schedule, and it will be on a contract/PRN basis with the goal of eventually returning to full time. My time is spent slowly venturing out to discover new areas and activities and discovering new neighborhoods. Moving to Austin was a giant culture shock. The cost of living here is; for lack of a better word, intense. We are working with a realtor already, and she has done an excellent job of prospecting for us so we can see what's out there. Jeramy and I have a long list of items that we would like to complete, but recognize it is impossible to accomplish them all in a very short time period.

Health Updates:

I am pleased to announce that I continue to experience improvements in my seizure activity. I still experience very unpleasant episodes, but my frequency has decreased significantly and my seizure activity has become much more predictable. I know when to expect complications and I can better prepare for it. I have been able to incorporate small amounts of caffeine and even the occasional libation with much less difficulty. I am, however, experiencing some rather unpleasant side effects as a result of the medications. The most noticeable issue is extreme tiredness or fatigue that varies in intensity depending on my activity level. The second largest issue, weight gain. Good Lord. The weight gain has been very challenging to over come. When I started the current medication dosage in February, I weighed 155lbs (my normal average). As of today, I currently weigh somewhere in the range of 168-170lbs. 15 lbs in 4 months is scary and I am working to make some pretty drastic diet changes to help counter this side effect. It is a concern I will have to address with my new neurologist once I get established care here in Austin (I have my first PCP visit June 29th to begin the referral process). One way I am trying to counter the weight problems is by increasing my physical activity level. This has been challenging with the Austin humidity. Humidity is the one thing my neurologist in Amarillo cautioned me on with exercise programs. Humidity makes me experience intense aura activity and has put me to bed early on a few occasions already. It provides me with increased episodes of nausea and headaches, which pretty much take me down for the remainder of the day. Thankfully, I was able to participate in my friend's 30th birthday shenanigans this past weekend and experienced no aura's or unpleasant side effects while celebrating! It was a welcome sign of relief and showed me that there is still progress to be made.

Well, Once we get settled (officially), I will be sure to post another blog update and maybe even some photographs? Who knows! The biggest thing is that I am so incredibly happy to be living in the Austin area and feel much better than I have in quite some time. It is a fresh start for Jeramy and I, even though the transition was very stressful and somewhat a surprise. We found out about the move at the end of April and then 5-6 weeks later, moved. That may sound like a long time, until you consider all the stuff that has to be taken care of in the process of moving. So happy to finally call Austin my home!!

Hello from the other side

Wow. Where have the months gone? I've been so busy since my last blog post, that the thought of writing hasn't even been able to come across my mind. Once again I received a tumor free MRI report and my oncologist is in agreement that in September of this year I will be ok to move to 6 month MRIs instead of every 3 months. This is great news because I'm becoming weary of the process and this last MRI, I had a reaction to the contrast dye that I hadn't had before. The reaction was so unusual that it worried me into thinking there may be growth somewhere contributing to it. Fortunately, that proved incorrect and once again I am set until July when I go back in for my (hopefully) last 3 month MRI. September 2016 will mark 2 years since my diagnosis. I have been doing some heavy research into recurrence rates, etc. and I have found that it is common for 97% of treated chemotherapy patients to encounter regrowth or secondary cancers within 5 years (68% for Brain Cancer). This particular statistic was shocking and got me looking into some more information.

I finally sucked it up enough to watch the docu-series "The Truth about Cancer". WOW. I've missed out on boat loads of valuable information that I had no idea about. Some of it was the nutrition aspect and how it played into the bodies responses and weakening of the immune system. I also learned that there is a direct correlation between cell phone use and brain tumors. I also learned that there are devices out there that essentially "neutralize" the radiation emitted from every day technological devices. They are called EMRTs and I have purchased one to go on my cell phone. I was later surprised to learn that Jeramy's Aunt and Uncle are very familiar with this and have them on all their devices. I learned that the reason tumor's shrink with chemotherapy treatment is because the chemo kills the surrounding daughter cells, but has virtually no effect on the mother stem cells that are the root cause of the cancer. As it stands, the tumor size will shrink, but ultimately, it will return at some point because the initial triggering stem cells are not changed with chemo. Most importantly, I learned that cancer is NOT a death sentence. It is curable. YES, you heard me right, and NO, that cure does not happen with chemo and radiation. Did you know Oncologists receive kick backs from Pharmaceutical companies for prescribing certain cancer treating medications? How would you feel about your oncologist prescribing you a certain type of chemo because he makes money off of it. Remember that Oncologist who went to prison for falsely diagnosing and treating all those people for Cancer? It likely happens more than you know. Conspiracy theories aside, do your own research (but be willing to look outside the box). Conventional medicine failed me, it made me sicker and caused permanent brain damage that now has to be treated with, you guessed it! More pharmaceutical drugs. The Industry is corrupt and people are suffering as a result. I am a living testament to that. The good news is, there is always hope.

Another positive note, my seizure activity has improved. I still experience mental fatigue and regular Aura's, but I have gone quite some time without having an actual seizure, and my physical functioning has been at its best since all this started. I go back to see my neurologist in June for a follow up and will decide our next course with the medication at that time. An unfortunate side effect of the current medication is weight gain. I have gone from being a steady 155lbs to now (last time I weighed) 162lbs. Even with diet modifications, the weight gain comes easily and the loss is next to impossible. We have made some modifications in my diet to hopefully make change, but it will be long term changes and will likely take many months to set in. The good news is I can now button my work pants again, as I have slimmed down some since those changes went into effect.

Easter Weekend, some very good friends of our finally got engaged and Jeramy and I were able to be a part of the process. It was so exciting and wonderful all at the same time! I look forward to watching these two continue to grow in their love for each other.

Work has been full force for the past month. I have begun working on increasing my productivity levels to full scale and man, I have felt the change there. It had been awhile since I was used to treating a regular case load and I was pretty worn out (and stressed out) the first few times I did. The muscle memory from the days when I regularly saw 15 patient's a day are returning, but it is always a day at a time process (some days better than others). I am happy to be back to this level at work as it has given me the ability to feel a sense of normalcy again.

Many of you are aware that we had put our house on the market in February. I am happy to report that we close on the sale next Thursday and then we can move forward with other plans after that time. This weekend we will be participating in the MDA walk to support Cousin Colton and then we will be packing all our belongings up and moving them into a storage unit near our current place of residence. I am so happy to have this step behind me. Everyone keeps asking what the plan is, but our plan is to take it one thing at a time and make sure all our ducks are in a row before we move to the next thing. Stress is paramount and I need very little of it. I will proceed in a reasonable manner that does not feel like we are "trigger happy". Positive changes lie ahead for us and I look forward to watching those unfold.

Growth

Before you start getting into your worrywart mode, let me assure you that the title of this blog is not meant to be taken in the literal interpretation. There is no tumor growth and I am still chugging along as usual working to find balance in my daily life. There is, however, a deeper meaning to the title of this blog post. It is deeper meaning in the sense that we all must experience growth at some point in our lives or face the consequences of being left behind by those who continually challenge themselves to be successful and strive for greatness.

As I sit here thinking about how I want to put the words together, I find that it is not an easy thing to do. Some days, the words flow out of you like lava; other days the silence is deafening and the key strokes sparse.  I keep thinking that as a child of two parents with public relations backgrounds and journalism skills, my ability to write should flow naturally. Ha! I am probably on the opposite end of the spectrum from my parents on this subject. I always knew I wanted to be in the medical field and can remember that when most kids were discussing being firemen, and police officers and astronauts, I was aspiring to be a cardiovascular surgeon (clearly we know how that worked out). I'm not even sure where I learned about what a cardiovascular surgeon was, but I was absolutely certain I wanted to do that.

Ok, I digress; back to the point! This blog is about personal growth. I have been doing a lot of personal soul searching over the past year and a half and more recently I have also been doing a lot of work soul searching. I think the most eye opening realization I've had may be that my maturity level has significantly increased from when I was 25 years old to when I turned 30. So much so, that a friend and I were reflecting on the things we've had to change over the years and it was amazing to hear how much we have both grown in our own right. She has provided me so much insight on things that need to change from my end and I have been assisting her to the best of my ability as well. It is a mutually satisfactory relationship and one that I am most grateful to have.

The biggest thing is sometimes it takes the help and guidance of others to find the right path and it's so incredibly beneficial to have an outsiders perspective to help guide you through the muck. Tackling things on your own is tricky, especially if you are lacking some of the tools to do so successfully. Some people may be good at figuring things out on their own, but I know that I am not in every situation. I tend to feel it is appropriate to seek outside opinions because I know that I can be quick to respond with emotion and emotion can cloud judgement. If I can seek out a source or confide in someone I know that is prone to reason and not to knee jerk reactions, then I tend to get a more realistic perspective on what I need to work on.

The past months have shown me that just focusing on what I need to change doesn't help me grow as much as I would hope. Self reflection for me also involves taking into consideration the thought processes of others. That has been a task for me that has been incredibly challenging. I have also discovered that certain areas of growth come more easily for me than others. For instance, when it comes to work growth; with appropriate guidance I can adapt and change very quickly compared to some of the personal challenges I have been facing over the past months.

As part of my personal growth journey, I will be significantly diminishing my time spent on Facebook over the next few months. I plan to try to just avoid it all together, but we'll see :).

As it stands, this will be one of the last Facebook shares for my blog post for a while. I will continue to post to instagram and update my blog regularly, but I probably won't post it on Facebook.

I will leave you with this adorable picture of my niece Isabella "Bella" Davies

I am TUMOR FREE!

Hello Everyone!

I am writing this blog with a bit of mixed emotions today. Many of you know I have been battling intractable epilepsy since my cancer treatment and Wednesday the conversation came about that my seizures are the direct result of a build up of scar tissue that sits in the area of my frontal lobe. My neurologist explained a few things to me the first of which is probably the best news anyone could ask for (I am officially TUMOR free). The second was a little discouraging and I have spent the last day or so contemplating what my next step should be (I will likely never be seizure free due to the build up of scar tissue from radiation on my brain). I finally received confirmation on something that I have suspected since this all started. Radiation produced an additional build up of scar tissue on my brain that led to an increase in seizure activity and as a result, my seizures will likely never stop. Our attempts to adjust medications have not gone well because I am incredibly sensitive to most seizure medications (also allergic to some) and so side effects cannot be avoided to the degree that is deemed acceptable.

Currently I am on a medication called Fycompa (which I now take at night due to the severity of speech and drowsiness that occurs when I take it). This medication has provided me the most relief at this time and I have not had a seizure in a little over a month. The only issues I have experienced are aura's which do not last. This combined with my Keppra are the only things working to control the majority of my seizure activity, but the neurologist wanted me to be aware that our focus on care will be changing. Our goal now is to improve my impairment level to an area that is acceptable and allows me to function at the highest level I possibly can.

With this news comes the possibility that the things I loved so dearly prior to my illness, may never be in my future again. I say may, because I don't wish to speak in absolutes and with the continual advances in medicine there is always the potential that things can change. After all, I was told this type of tumor is incurable early on and that it was likely I would never be tumor free (yet here I am beating those odds once again). I was also told that I would have significant speech and cognitive deficits as a result of the location of the tumor and required amount of tissue to be removed (yet I have recovered 98 percent of my previous function). To tell me no, is to motivate me to push the boundaries of my recovery.

As it stands, I now have to come to the reality that running marathon's may be a thing of the past. I might never be able to coach or play the sport of volleyball again (a reality I thought I would face at a much older age); and that my new normal may involve a very limited ability to participate in exercise. To say I am devastated is an understatement, but I continue to direct my attention forward at the things I have gained since my diagnosis.

The only thing I regret is not listening to my instincts fully. I was told radiation would be a piece of cake, but deep down I had a "not so good" feeling about it. Turns out, radiation nearly killed me and chemotherapy wasn't much better. As I continue my research on important aspects of post-cancer care and diet recommendations; I have come to realize that cancer is a for-profit industry that does not have the best interest of the patient in mind. Chemotherapy and Radiation risks (IMHO) outweigh the benefit and often result in killing the patient faster than the cancer does. It has been my post-cancer changes that have kept me moving in the right direction and I will continue to focus on making the necessary change.

DIET is EVERYTHING. Especially in a day and age that our food is so devoid of nutrients and substance needed to keep our bodies healthy. I've seen people post articles from those who ate well but still end up sick and the reality is, this is an exception and not necessarily the rule. Disease is tricky and can infiltrate even healthy populations, but those who take care of themselves are less likely to experience these issues than those who don't.

Reflections of 2015

Today is technically January 1st, but after my fill of black eyed peas today I felt a blog post might be appropriate to ring in the new year.

2015 definitely was an improvement to the end of 2014, I will say that for certain. Cancer recovery in terms of everything else I dealt with was the biggest struggle of the year and my 2015 was not all smiles and roses. There are things about brain surgery that physically change you and that struggle is always very real.

I started the year with a great MRI report and I am hoping to do the same again this year as I go in for my first 3 month MRI of 2016. Scanxiety is now a normal part of my vocabulary and no matter how many positive words of encouragement I hear, it will always be the black sheep of my diagnosis.

In March I made the decision to embark on a journey to regain strength and balance as best I could. Due to cancer treatments and seizure activity, I continuously struggle with tight muscles on my left side, which I attribute to slight tone from the area of removal of the tumor. I also struggle with balance on this side, and even after 9 months of yoga, it remains to be my biggest challenge yet.

In April I completed my final round of chemotherapy treatments and was officially done with all aspects of those medications. The excitement of this was enough to motivate me to begin pushing a little more and on April 20th, I returned to work full time. What I was not prepared for was the struggle I would face over the next 8 months to get my seizure activity under control and the difficulties I would face in finding the appropriate medications.

One aspect of cancer treatments that they don't completely prepare you for is the post radiation/treatment exhaustion. It has been over a year since I received my last radiation treatment and the level of exhaustion I experience during a typical working day is enough to take me to my knees. It is so intense, in fact, that I some times nod off during the day while I'm just sitting. I try to find stimulating activities to do when I'm sitting to help keep me awake, but often times it only provides temporary relief of the exhaustion. Most days I come home and I'm ready to go to bed by 8pm. Since my latest medication adjustment, things have improved slightly, but often the medication will make me incredibly sleepy in the mornings so I have simply traded one level of exhaustion for another. The good news on this front is that as of tomorrow I will be one month seizure free and I am down to two seizure medications instead of 3 to 4.

The medication fix came after I had to make the difficult and incredibly uneasy choice of seeking out a new neurologist because of issues with my previous care giver. Getting a second opinion was quite possibly the best decision I ever made because if I hadn't, I don't know that I would be celebrating this milestone right now.

Yoga has been an opportunity for me to self-reflect on personal struggles and gains and all I've been through during this past year.  Many cancer survivors will tell you, going through this experience really makes you look at life in a whole new manner. Sometimes that outlook is not always pleasant, and in particular I think people struggle with how to address people who have been dealing with illness. I've learned that illness makes people uncomfortable in a way that they tend to withdraw. I believe people think they are doing a good thing because many are just not sure how to approach any subject and so its easier to back away and not be involved. In fact, this is probably the worst thing I have experienced during my recovery. People that I may have had a strong relationship with before now find that I am different and it makes them uncomfortable.

Brain Cancer and Brain Surgery changes you. I've been utilizing social media support groups to talk with other survivors and in every single conversation, the biggest complaint is that people don't know how to deal with survivors of this type of cancer. Many of these fellow survivors deal with cognitive and physical struggles that are far beyond my degree of impairment and somehow the one question is always, why do people feel the need to treat me differently.

Personality changes and emotional changes are also a common issue that I encounter in this group. For instance, I now cry at the drop of a dime. Before, I could have a conversation and deal with tough or positive issues without losing emotional control. Now, regardless of whether the issue is positive or negative, I cannot control my emotions. It makes even the most benign situations incredibly awkward because I end up looking like a blubbering idiot crying my eyes out for no good reason. These support groups have shown me that there is not enough information out there to help others learn how to approach the highs and lows of being a brain cancer survivor. I can literally be one person one day, and then someone completely different the next. These are things completely out of my control and despite my attempts to find a happy medium, I have not been able to find common ground.

I really have to give a huge shout out to my husband. Illness can really strain a relationship and push the boundaries of marriage, but this guy has been by my side for every single moment (good and bad). This guy has seen the true result of brain cancer recovery and still loves me with every bit of his soul. He's handled the emotional outbursts with complete grace. Its been a learning experience for us both.

While I wanted 2015 to be a year of moving forward, I discovered that recovery isn't that easy and moving forward is a very slow process. I spent more time in 2015 working towards emotional recovery than physical recovery. It was an eye opener. I look at this as my "new normal" and figure that each step I take is necessary no matter how good or bad it feels.

To all my friends and family, I hope that 2016 brings you the ability to appreciate what you have and focus on those important to you. Never be apologetic about who you are and embrace your quirks and flaws. I hope you all remembered to eat your black eyed peas for luck in the New Year!