Pomp and Circumstance

Greetings!

Can you believe it is mid-September? I can't either. Last time I was here for a blog post it was July and we had recently moved down to Austin, Texas. I was preparing to start my new job and we were in the process of house hunting. Currently I am working for a Home Health Company here in Austin. The plan has always been for me to work North, because the city of Austin is so inundated it's challenging to find affordable living and well paying jobs within the city. I am very happy working for the company I am with. Working in Home Health provides the necessary distraction to keep me off Social Media and actually focused on the important tasks at hand. I made the decision in July to deactivate my Facebook account. Some of you noticed, but most of you probably didn't realize that I had done that. It was the best decision I have made in some time. It allowed me an opportunity to go off grid; something I have not done since I first joined Facebook in 2005. I lost a bunch of photos, bummer; but I am pretty happy not having to read the crap you guys post on there regularly (I respect you as a friend, even if I don't agree with anything you say). I am sure many of you were equally happy to not have to see my posts pop up in your newsfeed as well. Consider it a favor from me ;).

I know I last stated I would no longer casually blog about my health, but today is special. Today is my two year anniversary of being in remission from cancer. On this date exactly two years ago, I found out I had a brain tumor and would require surgery to remove it. Not only did I learn I had a brain tumor, but I learned that tumor was slightly over 6 cm in size and the outlook was not in my favor (only 33-35% of brain tumor patient's survive long term). I learned that the tumor was likely incurable, and that I was going to suffer from significant speech deficits and short term memory loss as a result of the surgery. So, knowing this, I did what anyone who was facing unfavorable outcomes like me would do, I fought like hell. Now, normally when cancer patient's say fight, many think they are referring to the treatment that happens after diagnosis. Yes, I fought through misery with chemotherapy and radiation, there is no denying that, but I also fought my mind. The thing cancer patient's won't often share with you is the struggle of not letting the diagnosis spin you into an unrelenting cycle of depression and anxiety. Chemotherapy sucks, but the constant thought of "Am I dying?" and "I don't know if I'll be here in two years" is enough to do you in. I wore a shell on the outside, because I was a warrior. I was fighting my diagnosis and I wanted people to see that I was winning. Very few saw the actual struggle I faced on a daily basis. During work, I showed up, smiled, laughed and tried to pretend that I didn't want to just curl into a ball and die. As hard as I tried, there were days at work that I couldn't hold it together; but the extent of my emotional discourse was nothing compared to what my husband and mom saw from behind the scenes. Even with mood-stabilizers and anti-anxiety medications, I was a blubbering mess. My cry was that of someone who has suffered a devastating loss; my cry was inconsolable. Think of the darkest, most awful thing that could ever possibly happen to you and how you might emotionally react. That was me 24/7 for the months I was enduring treatment. At work, people would reference that I had essentially received a "4 month vacation" after surgery and while completing radiation treatment. I still cringe at that comment. If you call having dozens of mini-seizures and TIAs a "vacation" then sure, it was great. The truth? That 4 months of not working was the absolute worst moments of my life and I literally thought, "I want to die" weekly. To this day, I am convinced that had I gone through one more radiation treatment, I would have died. I only completed 27 of 30 treatments and 4 of 6 chemotherapy sessions. I was bed-ridden, emaciated and depressed. I went from weighing 155 lbs, to 140 lbs and at one point, I spent two days non-stop crying in bed because I just couldn't convince myself to get up. When I wasn't crying, I was sleeping. When the treatment started to take away my quality of life, I said enough. I dove into natural therapy and homeopathic remedy research and began discovering the most positive and hopeful findings I could imagine. Unfortunately, in Lubbock, there are no naturopaths; so I was resigned to my suffering and radiation after-effects that included the diagnosis of intractable localization related symptomatic epilepsy.

Eventually, I allowed myself to be pressured into returning to work an 8-hour day way before my body was physically ready and then would require 9-10 hours of sleep to recover (I was reluctant, but agreed because I thought it might be good for me, even though my instincts said no). I was constantly stressed because there were situations happening all around me that I could not change, or fix relating to work, health, social relationships, and just life in general. I went from enjoying being back at work for several months, to crying every day before work, during lunch, and on the drive home; I was a broken record. I finally caved and joined an online support group for Brain Cancer survivors and learned that one of the biggest struggles with the illness, was how some people would start blaming a survivor's faults on their past condition and it would lead to additional stresses and complications. I learned that I wasn't alone in my struggles, and it (along with some real life counseling and guidance) helped me to take control of my situation and cut loose ends. I also learned that, despite my history, my cognition was where it needed to be and I could no longer blame brain cancer for my short-comings. When my husband informed me we would likely be moving to Austin for his job, I knew it was God's way of telling me its time to move on.

Austin has brought me new life. It was the change I desperately needed. I started seeing a naturopath who has helped me with my seizure activity more than any neurologist/medication I have seen so far. Using a combination of high powered and potent naturally occurring herbs, plants and supplements, I have seen a significant reduction in the intensity and frequency of my aura's (without requiring additional prescription medications). In the first week of seeing her, I actually saw enough improvement to feel comfortable getting into a pool and swimming laps. I ran (for 30 seconds) and I can now participate in a more intense level of yoga than I previously was able to tolerate. I have been able to sustain myself being outdoors in humidity without battling seizure aura activity and I am finally losing weight again (I put on quite a bit with my new seizure meds). Today, I am tumor free and I am happy, thriving and living well. I am still hopeful that one day I may be able to reduce or eliminate the seizure medications all together and maybe, just maybe; return to running long distances again. The past two years have been the biggest struggle I have ever faced, and it has really shown me my priorities in life. Happiness is a choice, and I am choosing to be happy every day for the fact that I am ALIVE! I hope that through my darkest days, I can inspire someone to accomplish what everyone tells them can't be done.

Gratitude!